Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Am I "Wife Material"?


True Confession Time: Sometimes, with more and more friends getting married and having children, I wonder if it's just not written in the stars for me. If I'll never know what it's like to "walk down the aisle" or know the "joys of motherhood".


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So today, when I came across an article in Salon about Mad-Men redefining/reestablishing the idea and concept of "Being Wife Material", I started to wonder:

What is Modern-Day "Wife Material"?

I've always been...and on some level still am...the little girl who plays dress up, imagines what it might be like to get married some day (although I'm not a pre-engagement planner like is the new craze), to buy a home that my husband and I would raise our children in. I'm the first to admit I know I've bought into the propaganda and the social norms of what life will/should look like. But that's what I want. And I'm not going to apologize for it. 

I remember in high school I had a few (guy) friends tell me how I was the girl you brought home to mom, two who (jokingly) asked me to marry them because of a shoulder massage and one ex-boyfriend's mother & sister who told me I was too GOOD for their son/brother. So obviously at one point these individuals saw something in me that was "wife material"

What's different today?

What "qualities" make someone "marriage material"....we can look past gender here too and address both men and women. And let's leave out the analyzing the world "material". I don't see myself as property, I don't see my BF as property and that's not what this blog is about. I'm not interested in deconstructing the term but rather looking at what QUALITIES in our society give cues to others that they are long-term-marriage/commitment "worthy"

If its being a domestic goddess I've got that covered.

I can cook just about anything - just give me a recipe   Hell you can just describe what a dish should taste like and I'm sure I could come close. I bake too. I'll keep you fat and happy.

Sewing? Mending? Darning your socks? I have sewed a rockin' party skirt for a BFF out of caution tape! I sewed pantaloons for another friend under her full skirt formal. It may not be store quality but I can at least put your buttons back on or let out your waist band after the holidays.

Okay so I hate doing laundry and cleaning the toilet but those can't be deal beakers? 

Can they?

It obviously can't be "having your shit together". I'm educated, have a good job, don't have a criminal record...okay so my credits not the best but I'm working on it. Is that the problem? I'm not a Damsel in Distress thinking that "landing a husband" will save me. 

And yes, yes, I know that "studies show" the age people are getting married at is increasing. And "studies show" those marriages have a higher change of not ending in divorce. And women are having children later and later in life.... it doesn't help. "Studies" don't have to face more and more facebook updates about wedding and "see how big my belly is" pregnancy shots. 

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Please don't post comments telling me things like "it'll happen someday" or worse the quintessential "it'll happen when it's supposed to". No offense, this doesn't make me feel better. It doesn't make me feel any less of an aging baron old maid.

I'm getting tired of "Are you married?" and "Do you have kids" from strangers. I'm even more tired of hearing "recommendations" of being done having kids by 30 so I have more energy for them later on. 

So you're saying I have 11 months to get pregnant and have my (apparently) one and only child?

I'm also NOT giving my BF an ultimatum (which I've had suggested to me before). So no one suggest it (again). Don't even think it. I don't believe relationships, let alone the beginning of a marriage, should include "Either/Or" statements (in the form of ultimatums). I love him to pieces and while it may seem (superficially) that this blog is a rant about him and commitment I think it's more one about the pressure of social expectations and my own insecurities (which is why I'm having this conversation with you and not him).

I'm not sure what I thought I get out of this blog except a chance to bitch about 1) people telling me how/when to have children 2) asking if I'm married and 3) tired of seeing/feeling like everyone (elementary school playmates, high school and college friends, cousins...younger cousins) in my life is getting married and I can't seem to get my BF to even move to the same town as me.

I guess I'm just rambling at this point. 
And that's fine. 
This is my blog after all. 

And since it is I'm ending with this disclaimer.

Please know that I will not accept any disguised "pep talks" or "inspirational heartfelt" comments. Comments that will be approved? Dirty jokes. Tales of bad first marriages. Lists of reasons/benefits to getting married later in life. 

If its optimistic, positive or inspirational...I'm not interested. 

3 comments:

  1. You mean no one was able to think of a dirty joke yet? Come one people.... There once was a man from Nantuckit....

    But really, relationships are why people have pets. Does your dog/cat ever let you down by not remembering it's your birthday? No. Do they forget to take out the trash? No. Will they always come snuggle on the couch with you? Yes. Do they do incredibly cute things that make you laugh or smile? Yes. Screw getting married, get a puppy to chase the kitties!

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  2. Wow I'm nervous about making a comment here, but I'll take a shot. This post made me laugh because pretty much my entire blog (only 6 posts in!), is about the trials and tribulations of the modern housewife. So I'm married, and I STILL don't think I'm wife material. I can't seem to get it right. The laundry keeps piling up, no matter how often I do it. I keep killing plants. Just a disaster. As you mentioned in your post, what's interesting is that we women are having kids later and later and therefore the need to be a housewife is less necessary as it used to be. Yet, there is a movement to go back to the basics, cooking, sewing, etc. And at the end of the day, we women want to create a nurturing home. OK I'm rambling, but basically everyone just pretends to get it and then after a few years of pretending, they just think they do. So this comment is not meant to be inspirational, just you're not alone in this ;)

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  3. I don't think guys really give a sh**t if you're a good homemaker. I hope they don't look at a girl and say "man, she is sure like mommy" let's just say that's a little creepy and I sure as hell wouldn't want to be compared to some of the mothers of my ex boyfriends. I think they're just looking for a sweet girl that enjoys sex, doesn't nag, is emotionally mature, won't emasculate them and will stand by them even if they have crazy dreams of becoming a white water rafting instructor (or whatever you can think of that would make you wanna role your eyes). I know it sounds kinda chauvinistic but hey, you should be with a guy that you would be proud of doing all those things for. If you aren't, then maybe he's not marriage material for you.

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