I ask you to bear with me through this post. As I type this I'm not even sure if I'll be posting it. I try to keep posts real but still upbeat. My life is far from ideal or perfect but still life is good enough I figure keep things happy....sometimes though there are things I'm feeling I'm not sure where else to express them.
Lately I've been dealing with some emotional turmoil and struggles I'm not sure where else to go. Yes, I have friends I can turn to (and I'm sure some are reading this now - if I post it - and going to contact me afterwards) but I feel more like I'm "over reacting" or just complaining....having a personal issue no one would understand. At least not completely.
What I'm talking about isn't as simple as having "baby fever" but more of a personal struggle to tell myself it's okay that I'm 30, not married and no where close to having a family of own.
Don't get me wrong. I love the BF and he and I have talked about the fact we see us getting married some day; have talked about wanting to start a family together.I had these feelings before we started dating.....Please know as you read this it has nothing to do with him, our relationship, you, your child, our friendship....this is about me.
This is more that at some point in my life, every where I turn, I'm face-to-face with baby announcements from friends, hearing about so-and-so from school that is on baby number four, mommy blogs, tabloids full of pregnant starlets, Pinterest posts of baby pictures, blog hops of kiddo pictures and questions from old classmates and strangers alike of "are you a mom?"
Doesn't matter who is asking or which version of the question they ask. Ultimately when you say "no" the next questions of "do you want kids?" and/or "are you going to?" I don't care if you're a family member, old friend, or strange woman standing in line behind me at the grocery store. These are not questions that I want you to ask me. These are not questions I want to answer.
Nor do I want you to then give advice....do not tell me "it's not too late" or "have you thought about sperm banks"....Don't tell me how old you were when you had your first child....Don't tell me about your neighbor or the woman at church who didn't have her first child until she was forty....suggest I "freeze" my eggs...I don't want you to compare me to Jennifer Aniston or some other celebrity that has "finally started a family"
It also doesn't help when television and movies are also full of the same messages:
"Your getting old. You better have a baby soon"
And "if you aren't married just get inseminated"
While I am so happy for friends and family when they are expecting....after all just because it's not me doesn't mean I'm going to be a Scrooge for your news. But I don't need to know you're "actively trying", I don't need to know every month when you "think you might be", don't be hurt if I ignore your weekly belly pictures or don't want to play baby shower games.
I need you to understand this is beyond "baby fever"...this isn't me just Oooing and Awwing over baby booties and little onsies with tutus or bowties attached...This is wondering if it's too late. Wondering if it will ever happen for me. If I'll ever know the joy of having a family. This is a feeling of not being whole, of having a life long dream not come true.
I'm not even sure how this post should end. This isn't a post about a process I went through, a situation I've come out the other side to see results...this is something I live with and will live with for...well I don't know til when.